301-"Cave Dwellers" (aka "The Blade Master") (1984)-The lame sequel to "Ator,
The Fighting Eagle" (as if that film NEEDED a sequel) has a buffed and
well-oiled Miles O'Keefe attempting to protect wacky inventor's daughter (Lisa
Foster) from legions of incompetent evil-doers.  Father (David Cain Haughton)
has evidentally dicovered some sort of nuclear device and sends daughter to find
Ator to defend invention against Charles Borromin (referred to as "that John
Saxon-type guy).  A token Asian kung-fu expert (Chen Wong) is along for the ride
in this embarrassing piece of sludge.  Period is also a problem, as movie cannot
decide whether it's pre-historical, Medivial, or post-modern.  And we're not
even going to touch on the film's lack of continuity and horrible acting and
directing.  Great skits include the re-editing of the opening sequence and the
re-naming of ordinary things.  Enjoyable riffs make for fun episode.  B.

302-"Gammera The Invincible" (aka "Gamera") (1966)-First of the Japanese-made,
giant flying turtle films, is also one of the best MST3K eps (ignore the KTMA
version, though). All sources indicate that Brian Donlevy ("Beau Gest", "Kiss Of
Death") is in this film, but for the life of me, I can't find him.  Anyway, an
American jet shoots down an unidentified aircraft carrying nuclear bombs, which
detonate, waking a slumbering Gamera, pissing him off and causing the wholesale
destruction of Tokoyo (again).  Obviously, Gamera is NOT a morning person.
After all of men's efforts fail, the dreaded "Z Plan" is put into action, and
the tortoise is shot off into space (a neat play on Joel's situation is alluded
to during that scene).  Great overall episode contains great quips and skits
("Tibby, Oh Tibby", Why We Hate Kenny and a second look at Gamera's actors) and
deserves a solid A.

303-"Pod People" (aka "The Unearthling") (1984)-Cheap, repackaged E.T. knock-off
in the same vain as "Cave Dwellers", "Stranded In Space", "Being From Another
Planet" and "Space Travellers".  The viewer of this movie is treated to three
films in one, which, in this case, is like not only having cancer and A.I.D.S.,
but being allergic to dairy products.  First we see a couple of guys stealing
eggs, then we're treated to a group of stupid and unlikable teenagers, and
finally, an annoying little brat who finds an alien "egg" and raises the baby
"Trumpy".  Meanwhile, the father alien goes around killing off various cast
members (Good!). Monster makes the pathetic creature in "Mac And Me" look like
space-age special effect technology.  Finally, the three films come together
like the Lusitania and a couple of German torpedoes in a witless conclusion.
Joel and Co. do their best, including the Trumpy's Magic skit and the "Clown In
The Sky" song.  A B- episode.

304-"Gamera vs. Barugon" (aka "War Of The Monsters") (1966)-First sequel to
"Gammera The Invincible" finds our "hero" (NOW he's a good turtle) returning
from space just in time to battle the lizard-dog monster Barugon, which grew
from an egg found on a South Sea island.  Fight scenes follow standard WWF
format; good guy gets shell kicked, but then turns the table on Barugon, whose
only powers seem to be a ram tongue and a bizarre "rainbow ray".  Interesting
scenes include a fist-fight in a small rumpus room, death by file cabinet, a guy
getting "tongued" to death and a beautiful Japanese woman sucking blood from a
wound on the leading man's arm.  Great joking from Joel and the 'bots and skits
(especially the 5,000 men and monster set and T.G.I. Fridays Tokoyo).

305-"Stranded In Space" (aka "The Stranger") (Made for TV-1973)-Long and boring
pilot film that (thank goodness) never made the 1974 prime-time schedule.  Good
cast, especially Lew Ayres ("All Quiet On The Western Front", "Johnny Belinda")
and Dean Jagger ("12 O'Clock High") is used to utmost embarrassment.  Astronaut
lands on earth's twin planet and discovers that something is amiss. Also stars
Cameron Mitchell and Glenn Corbett.  Whole episode wanders aimlessly and is not
one of BB's best. D.

306-"Time Of The Apes" (1987)-The Video Hound film guide says that this is a
"Japanese horror film about a woman and two kids who are thrust into an
underground world ruled by intelligent gorillas."  What it should say is this:
"a Japanese comedy about a woman and two stupid kids who are thrust into an
underground world ruled by not-so-bright, but heavily-armed gorillas in
outrageous clothing who are too scared to enter a certain area of the woods for
fear of one, lone human with one weapon and the flying saucer that hovers over
everything for no reason."  Everything about this episode is great, riffs and
sketches ("Why Doesn't Johnny Care?", The Scopes Monkey Trial and Crow's
"Fashion Minute").  An "A" show all the way.

307-"Daddy-O" (1959)-Dick Contino, the poor man's Mel Torme, and who still
performs on the oldies tour (playing an accordian!) stars in this stinker that
starts out as a drag racing musical, then turns into a drug smuggling drama.
Contino, who has about as much charm as Richard Speck (though less acting
ability) meets Janet (Sandra Giles), they drag, she wins, they hate each other
and he performs several songs ("Rock Candy Baby", "Angel Act" and "Wait'll I Get
You Home") before they finally team up and defeat drug pushers, Bruno Vesota
("Attack Of The Giant Leeches") and his near-sighted henchman, Duke (Ron
McNeil). "Hike Up Your Pants" song, Mike Nelson's impersonation of Duke, as well
as the short feature, "Alphabet Antics" add up to a great B episode.

308-"Gamera vs. Gaos" (aka "Gamera vs. Gyaos" or "The return Of the Giant
Monsters") (1967)-This is the worst of the Gamera episodes (in my opinion).  A
lame flying monster with a triangular head, steaming armpits and the power to
cut things in half (with yellow highway dividing lines) does battle with a
lackluster and overweight Gamera.  Once again, humans serve only as bumbling
backdrops to the real stars in foam rubber and latex.  Only really funny scene
occurs when Gaos is lured to a spinning tower by a vat of simulated blood-type
liquid.  Jokes are okay, but sketches are not to memorable.  A C-.

309-"The Amazing Colossal Man" (1957)-Bert I. Gordon quickie made in three days
to cash in on the popularity of "The Incredible Shrinking Man" (a great sci-fi
classic). Colonel Glenn Manning (Glenn Langing) is an idiot, and proves it by
rushing into the middle of a plutonium blast to recue an offscreen pilot.  He
survives the blast, but the bomb causes him to lose his hair and to grow 18 feet
per day.  He terrorizes various soldiers and civilians (despite wearing a huge
diaper and living in a circus tent) and finally takes a powder to Las Vegas,
where his freakishness can be fully appreciated.  Loving wife, Cathy Downs, and
two dedicated scientists (Russ Bender and William Hudson) tag along and try to
reduce his size with a giant syringe. Gordon's "special" effects give new
meaning to the term "high school drama class", and the conclusion, when Manning
takes a dive off of Boulder Dam, looks like it was conceived and written by a
couple of four-year-olds.  Great riffs and skits (A Visit From The Amazing
Colossal Man and "What Would You Do If You Were Colossal?") make this a classic
"A-" episode.

310-"Fugitive Alien" (1986)-Many MiSTies like the two "Fugitive Alien" flicks,
but I'm not one of them.  The charm of most Japanese movies is the cheapness of
the special effects and basic silliness of the plot.  But in this movie there
are no rubber monsters or cities being destroyed, therefore, no charm.
Storyline has earth being invaded by Wolf Raiders (Nazi mimes) and one Ken kills
another Ken to save a child.  He then goes on the lam and becomes an Asian Lone
Wolf McQuaid.  He joins up with an Earth space crew and they participate in a
few bombing runs before he proves himself to be the good guy.  Predictable and
boring.  Good riffs and Mike Nelson's Jack Perkins imitation is fine, but film
is so dull, nothing can hold my attention.  A C-.

311-"It Conquered The World" (1956)-The only thing this lame, pickle-looking
alien from Venus conquers is a cheesy cave set in a bad Roger Corman movie
(sorry if that last statement is redundant). Lee Van Cleef  ("How The West Was
Won" and "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance") "assists" the giant carrot (whose
bat-like minions are much more terrifying than it is) in his attempt to take
over a small town in California, despite the heroic (and wooden) attempts to
prevent it by Peter Graves, who even kills his wife (Sally Fraser) in the
process.  Van Cleef's spouse, Beverly Garland (the Queen of the B-Movies) tries
to kill the "monster", but is "clamped" to death in the cave.  Great short
("Snow Thrills") as well as riffing and sketches ("Winter Sports Cavalcade") and
the multi-use of Graves' last line, "He learned almost too late, that man was a
feeling creature......" make this one of the classic shows in this series.  One
in which I gladly give an "A" to.

312-"Gamera vs. Guiron" (aka-Attack Of The Monsters") (1969)-Another sequel in
the flying giant turtle series find two obnoxious youngsters (Nobuhiro Kashima
and Chris Murphy-a Richard Burton look-a-like) piloting a ship to the outer
reaches of our solar system to the planet Tara, occupied only by two Japanese
beauties and a goofy, sword-headed monster. When the two kids find out that the
babes just like them for their brains, they beat a path, only to be stopped by
Guiron.  With no other recourse, they call upon Gamera (a friend to ALL
children) to kick some butt and take some names.  Guiron's Chinese stars inflict
some damage to our turtle, but Gamera rises from the canvas, and with the help
of a ballistic missle, blows his opponent to tiny bits. "Cornjob", a Japanese
version of Sid Melton, gives film just the right amount of comic relief. Skits,
which include the Gamera fight song as sung by Joel and the 'bots and Mike
Nelson (as smarmy Michael Feinstein) are tops, giving the episode a B- grade in
my book.

313-"Earth vs. The Spider" (aka-"The Spider")-Actually, it's just "A Small
California Town vs. The Spider", but with Bert I Gordon, everything is blown out
of proportion.  Two teenagers stumble across a giant mutant arachnid in a cave,
but as with most 1950's sci-fi films, no adult will believe them until it's too
late.  Movie takes a slap at science as local high school biology teacher (Ed
Kemmer-"Space Patrol") moves the creature to the gym to "study" it more
carefully.  Of course, the spider is re-animated and goes berserk.  Typical Bert
I. Gordon effects are not very special giving Joel and Co. ample opportunity to
fire off cerebral broadsides at a rather easy target.  Film is proceded by a
short feature, "Speech-Using Your Voice"-a 1940's video instruction on how to
speak in public.  Hilarious riffs and sketches ("Inside The Robot Mind" and
"Earth vs. Soup") make this a solid "B" effort.

314-"Mighty Jack" (196?)-Since there is no known source describing this film,
it's difficult to pinpoint a date, but the Bond-type "special" effects suggest a
mid-to-late 1960's timeline.  A crack Japanese commando unit is sent to break up
a German-Italian-Nipponese crime ring dead set on freezing all of the planet's
water.  Boring.  Concluding battle between M.J.'s super submarine and the
villian's iceberg hideout ends in less than a minute with the bad guys competely
destroyed.  Dumb, dumb film and except for the "Slow The Plot Down" song, even
the skits are bad.  D-.

315-"Teenage Caveman" (aka-"Out Of The Darkness") (1958)-Robert Vaughn, who a
year later would earn a Best Supporting Actor nomination for "The Young
Philadelpians", was certainly no teenager when he starred in this poor Roger
Corman excuse for entertainment with a lame anti-nuclear message thrown in.
Vaughn and father (Leslie Bradley) must battle low-brows led by Frank De Kova
(Chief Wild Eagle of "F-Troop" fame), who forbid anyone from the tribe to
journey to the "Forbidden Zone", where strange creatures dwell and no one comes
back alive, at least until Vaughn makes the trek.  He is banished and finally
proves his worthiness by dispatching De Kova in revenge for killing one of the
"creatures", who turns out to be a 20th century nuclear holocaust survivor.
Big deal.  Two shorts come before main feature, and both are twice as
entertaining.  The classic "Catching Trouble" and the non-descript "Aquatic
Wizards" are roasted to perfection and the sketches ("Catching Ross" and "We are
the result of a mad movie-watching experiment") are first-rate in this B
episode.

316-"Gamera vs. Zigra" (1971)-Gamera becomes an ecological symbol in this last
installment of the "famed" series, as Zigra, a fish-type thing decides to
reverse the man-fish-cycle due to human pollution of the world's oceans.  Using
a solitary, hypnotized female as an ally, Zigra manages to frighten the
occupants of a bathescape, but nothing more, and is subsequently destroyed
(Bar-B-Qued, more like it) by Gamera for his trouble. Flimsy subplot concerns
two cute Japanese children and their bumbling, ignorant, hideous fathers and way
too many Coke references.  Gamera sketches dominate this episode, which gets a
B- in my book.

317-"Viking Women vs. The Sea Monster" (aka-"Saga Of The Viking Women And Their
Voyage To The Waters Of The Great Sea Serpent") (1958)-The title is a bit
deceiving (and WAY too long) in this ultra-cheap Roger Corman vehicle most
likely used to warm his casting couch.  Voluptious babes (Abby Dalton, Susan
Cabot, Betsy Jones-Morelan, June Kenney, et al) travel to Momument Valley to
rescue their dullard boyfriends from a group of Sonny Bono look-a-likes.  End is
as predictable as any other Corman sludge pile.  Short feature is the classic
"The Home Economics Story" and the riffs during that one and the main film add
up to a great episode (despite the overuse of the waffle gag).  B+.

318-"Star Force: Fugitive Alien II" (1988)-As lame as the first FA film, this
one has Ken and his co-horts doing something involving space.  So boring I can
barely remember it.  Ken's mother is in this one, as if anyone cares.  Sketches
are nothing to write home about, either.  Gets an F.

(no review of Star Force: Fugitive Alien II- Sequel to Fugitive Alien)

319-"War Of The Colossal Beast" (aka-"The Terror Strikes") (1958)-Unnecessary
Bert I. Gordon sequel to his equally unnecessary film, "The Amazing Colossal
Man".  Glenn Langing is replaced by Dean Parker, who, with some cheap skull
make-up, is as unappealing as Gordon, himself. Also stars Roger Pace and Sally
Fraser ("It Conquered The World"). Movie is pleasingly bad, but this one is best
remembered for short feature, "Mr. B Natural", considered by many a MiSTie to be
the best short ever presented on the show. Has to be seen to be believed.  Great
sketches and riffs make this an "A" episode.

320-"The Unearthly" (1957)-Campy horror flick with John Carradine ("The Grapes
Of Wrath", "Stagecoach", "Captains Courageous" and "Peggy Sue Got Married") and
Tor Johnson ("Bride Of The Monster" and "The Beast From Yucca Flats") as an evil
scientist and his bald, hulking, Swedish henchman, who run an asylum where weird
experiments are conducted.  Overacting by everyone involved (Myron Healy,
Allison Hayes, Roy Gordon, Arthur Batanides) and hilarious conclusion make this
a rather enjoyable 70 minutes.  Proceeding short is the much under-rated
"Posture Pals" and "Appreciating Your Parents" (my all-time favorites) and the
and skits include, "Appreciating Gypsy", a Tor Johnson cinematic retrospective
and the "Unearthly" home game.  A fine two-hours spent.  B+.

321-"Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" (aka-"Santa Claus Defeats The Aliens")
(1964)-A dose of Christmas cheer that only the pre-conversion Ebenezer Scrooge
could appreciate.  John Call, as Kringle is kidnapped by the Martians because
their kids keep picking up Earth programs and a senile old man told the adults
to find Santa (just before he explodes).  Naturally, the bad Martians do not
want their children to become "soft", so they object to the idea, even going as
far as to sabotage St. Nick's newest Red Planet automated toyshop.  But, thanks
to Santa and his sidekick, the incredibly unfunny Dropo (Bill McCutcheon), the
baddies are dispatched in one of the goofiest battle scenes since the conclusion
of "Mighty Jack".  A ten-year-old Pia Zadora is this movie's claim to fame.
Great jokes and Christmas skits (including the classic "A Patrick Swayze
Christmas") make this one for the ages.  And an "A" episode, to boot.

322-"Master Ninja I" (Made for TV-1978, 1984)-Two episodes culled from the
short-lived TV series, "The Master", Lee van Cleef as the only Occidental Ninja
who must put up with flunky Timothy Van Patten (fresh from "The White Shadow")
as he searches for his long-lost daughter.  First show features a young (and
still beautiful) Demi Moore and her dad (Claude Akins) as small airport owners
threatened by Clu Gulagher ("The Last Picture Show") and his corrupt cronies.
The next installment concerns a Jack Perkins look-a-like who owns a nightclub
and has a handicapped daughter.  Lee's stunt double is painfully obvious as is
Van Patten's complete lack of charm, talent and charisma.  Great quipping,
though, gives this one a "B-".

323-"The Castle Of Fu Man Chu" (1968)-Film is the final chapter of the horror
series starring Christopher Lee, and, without a doubt, one of the worst made on
a decent budget.  Even shamelessly rips off "A Night To Remember" in the
beginning (compensating for that film's black and whiteness by shading it in a
bluish hue).  The sinking of the Titanic has about as much relation to this
movie as "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" does with "Platoon", but that didn't stop
director Jesus Franco, who carried on, anyway.  Embarrassed Lee joins Richard
Greene, Maria Perschy and Howard Manon Crawford (a lame Wilfrid Hyde-White
knock-off) in flimsy tale of the evil doctor's attempt to freeze the world, or
something like that.  Great reaction and sketchwork by Joel and the Robots saves
this one for the B column.

324-"Master Ninja II" (Made for TV-1978, 1984)-Two more shows taken from the
pathetic series, "The Master".  First, Sandra Bernard tries to unionize a tuna
cannery ala "Norma Rae", but is so inept she must rely on Lee Van Cleef and his
dodo, Timothy Van Patten.  Next chapter has David McCallum ("The Man From
U.N.C.L.E.") as a terrorist who kidnaps a Senotor's daughter.  Interesting for
the inclusion of George Lazenbee ("On Her Majesty's Secret Service") and Monte
Markham, but not much else.  Great skits have Crow as Colonel Timothy Van Patton
and Joel introducing the Lee Van Cleef foam doll.  A C+.

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