(SoL. Tom is alone holding up a chart.) Tom: Ahem... In honor of this fanfic I have come up with this chart to illustrate "Body Switches I Would Like to See." For my first body switch I have chosen P-funk master George Clinton and a cow. (Looks around and sees nobody is around) Hey, where is everybody? (Tom hears the muffled voice of Mike coming from below.) Mike: Tom? Is that you? It's me, Mike! That person up there isn't me!!! It's my evil brother: Eddie! You've got let me out of here! Tom: Huh? Is that you, Mike? I can't hear you... could you speak up? (Crow enters) Crow: What's going on, Tom? Tom: I think Mike's down there. He's saying something about Eddie Munster... Crow: Eddie Munster? Man, he really has gone nuts! Listen, I've got to talk to you about something. Something very important. Tom: (nervous) I don't know what Gypsy's talking about... honestly... we've never had an affair! Crow: (Confused) What? Tom: Oh, nothing, please continue. Crow: Anyways... "Sinister Unmasked" has made me realize something about myself. I.. I... I am a transvestite. There, I said it. I've always enjoyed dressing up in women's clothing... but I never put two and two together until this fanfic. Tom: (Skeptical) And this is different from the time that you thought you were a Belarian in what way? Crow: Oh... I've had some identity problems in the past, but this is different. Tom: Right. Remember that time you thought you were a bear and mauled me? Or that time you thought you were a bear and tried to maul me? Or that weekend you were convinced YOU were the dragon from "Dragonheart," and spent all of your time saying "I am the LASHT one!" Or the time you were sure that you were the one who shot J.R.? Mike: (muffled) Are you guys going to help me or not? Crow: (to Mike) Sure, we'll help a tree to rot... (To Tom) Are you quite finished? Tom: Heck no... there was that time you thought you were a nineteenth century British chimney sweep... and the time you thought you were Celine Dion for some reason. Crow: Hey! I was under a lot of stress!!! I had just finished watching "The Giant Spider Invasion." Twice! Tom: And there was the time you thought you were a... (sees movie sign) Fanfic sign! Crow: I never thought I was a fanfic sign. What are you.. oh, I see.. (Tom and Crow enter theater.) Tom: ...and the time you thought you were a bad Vegas comedian... Crow: Okay, okay, I got the picture. >Sinister: Unmasked > Shera Crawler 007 Tom: It's ironic that her "name" is Shera Crawler 007 because this fanfic has some parallels with the forgotten James Bond movie "Casino Royale." Crow: You mean it's a failed attempt at humor using long-established characters? Tom: Yep, and there's no Woody Allen here to make up for it... wait, maybe that's a plus. > 2su...@email.msn.com (Eddie finally enters laughing maniacally.) Tom: What was that you were saying about Eddie Munster, Mike? > >Disclaimer: I own none of these people they're all Marvel's except me. They can't have >me, so there. I'm not making any money off this, so all you people who were preparing >to send me your life savings, have a little fun and go to McDonald's Crow: (gets up to leave) Okay... ("Mike" pushes him back down.) > (Bishop: >wow...amazing...zzzzz). I don't own McDonald's either (darn)...whatever, you get the >idea. Eddie: What about "Burger King?" > >This story occurs in the off hours after Sinister Unmasked, so if you didn't read it hurry >up and do so...or my new boyfriend, the devil-dude (PANT!!) Eddie: Down boy! > from Rave's rules page >will get you! > > > Intermission: At Villains One Crow: Wait a minute, another intermission? Does ninety percent of this story take place in-between the actual story? >Scott stood in the shadows near the bar leaning against the wall staring at the mushy >couple in the corner table with something like hatred, but closer to jealousy. Tom: (singing) Hey.... jealousy! > >It just wasn't fair. After all he'd done for her, all the sacrifices to his career just so he >could play the role of her husband, and she runs to the first costumed clown she sees. Eddie: (Cyclops) What's Bozo got that I don't? > >Jean and Jon A.K.A Sinister were sitting across from each other sipping from a >milkshake with two straws Crow: Huh? Did it turn into an "Archie" fanfic sometime during the host segment. > like one of those sickening moldy oldy movies. She laughed >at something he said and leaned over and kissed him, laughing even more when she had >to wipe his white face makeup off her lips. Tom: (singing) And they call it Puppy Love... > >He growled and started to swallow down his whiskey in one gulp. It sprayed out of his >mouth as he was savagely smacked on the back. He turned with one hand to his visor to >kill...oh it was only Magneto. Eddie: (Cyclops) Oh, it's only Magneto. It's not like HE'S a bad guy or anything. > >Eric smiled at him,"Drinking to much are you not my friend?" Crow: (Cyclops) I don't know.... am I not your friend? > Scott shrugged maybe >he'd go away. Scott studied him over the top of his glass. Yep the same old Eric he'd >went to school with, still changed his hair color daily, now it was orange with blue >lightning bolts. Tom: (Magneto) Like the 'do? Got the idea off of a Power-Ade bottle. > >He shook his head "Wild hair E, who did it up for you?" Eddie: E? What is the lead singer of the Eels doing here? > >Eric grinned happily, "Well I just started dating this great girl, and she does hair. Crow: (Magneto) Of course, not professionally. She usually does it to strangers when they aren't looking. > So of >course I asked her to do mine...isn't it just great?" > >"Oh? What's her name?" > >Eric smiled, "Henrietta McRoy" Scott started choking on his drink. Eddie: I WISH I were choking on a drink now. Crow: (Magneto) Henrietta McRoy has these really hot girlfriends, too: Brenda Wayne, Clara Kent, Petra Parker, Rita Richards, Gwen Grimm... > "Are you okay?" >Eric asked worriedly when Scott started breathing again. > >"Um yeah, I wish you and this, um, girl lot's of luck." and with that he ran for the >bathroom barely holding back his laughter behind his tightly clamped hand. Eric just >shook his head. Tom: (Eric) Why am I suddenly hearing the theme song to "The Crying Game" in my head? > >"Eric honey, over here. Hi sweetiekins." Eric hurried over to his girlfriend, a tall big >boned girl with electric pink fur, nine inch heels, low cut miniskirt and loads of jewelry. Eddie: Someone should give "Henrietta's" phone number to John Waters. >He gave her a big kiss, and they sat down at an empty table to talk. Crow: This gives a whole new meaning to the concept of ex-men. > >Jon looked at Jean looking back at him, he couldn't believe his luck. He'd just met Jean, >and already they were living together in his apartment nearby. He'd been dreaming >about actually asking her out for so long, then all it took was one five minute >intermission for all his prayers to come true. Tom: They WERE making a new "Love Boat" series! > He sighed happily gazing into her bright >green eyes. > >They both looked up suddenly when Jubes came up to the table dragging Wolvie behind >her. She was out of her trademark yellow trenchcoat and was wearing one of Wolvie's >slashed up work shirts and a pair of his sweatpants. He was wearing a flannel shirt and >jeans, his nose was wrinkled up in distaste at the thick cover of cigar smoke covering >the room. Eddie: Didn't Wolverine smoke cigars? Ah well... I've given up looking for logic in this thing. > >"Hi guys, how're ya doin?" he said watching with amusement as Jubes ran to the bar to >get their usual drinks: diet soda for Wolvie and a White Russian for herself. Crow: (Bartender) Sorry, kid, Colossus isn't here today. > He stayed >standing waiting to see if Jubes was going to get them thrown out again and didn't mind >or notice that the lovebirds hadn't answered him. He drifted towards Jubes as she got in >a profanity fight with the barkeep over her age. Tom: I would assume that the barkeep would be over Jubilee's age. > >Scott moved up beside him, "Hey Wolvie. " Eddie: And Wolverine promptly "accidentally" slashes a big gash in Cyclops's face. > >"Scott. It looks like we'll be going to Villain's again, you coming?" They ducked as a >heavy bottle of liquor flew over their heads, hitting Bishop on the head. He was up in a >flash with his guns, and everything else, trained on the barkeep who had thrown it. Crow: Oh great, now Bishop is being portrayed as a gun carrying, violent lunatic.... wait, that's how he's always portrayed. > >"Barkeep your bottles had better stay there, or you'll be cleaning them up with your >tongue, and quit staring at me, your making me nervous." > >Wolvie rolled his eyes "Ya know he's the only one that's exactly like his fanfic >character." Tom: I don't know, Rogue is pretty much like her fanfic character. Eddie: But she only got one line. Tom: Exactly. > >Scott grinned, "Yeah, I'll come over to Villain's with ya. Hey Eric's new girlfriend >is...get this...Henrietta McRoy." Crow: This is just a dramatic reinterpretation of The Kink's "Lola." > >Wolvie's eyes widened and he began laughing. "Did you say his, haha, GIRL friend?" >He was laughing to hard to notice the second bottle coming his way, and it laid him out >on the floor, still laughing. Scott looked up to see Jubes on the barkeep's back ripping >his hair out, spitting curses, and still managing to get a few gulps of her White Russian. Crow: Boy that must be ONE happy Russian. (He looks at Mike...) Mike, I just did a really dirty joke, aren't you going to reprimand me? Eddie: Why should I? It was pretty funny... Crow: Something is very wrong here. > >He shook his head looking down at the helpless Wolvie rolling on the floor tears >streaming down his face. Tom: (Wolverine) I just remembered that "South Park" last night... woo hoo! > >Moments later all three of them were thrown out of the establishment on their rears, >liberally splashed with liquor and broken glass. Jubes rolled the gasping Wolvie over to >dig into his rear pocket for a lighter, "Hey Scott you got a ciggy I can have?" Tom: Getting ciggy with it... Crow/ Eddie: Na na na na na na na... Na na na na na na na.... > >He handed her a pack and lit up one of his cigars. She helped Wolvie up and they >leaned against the wall for a minute breathing in the night air. "Hey Jubes, Mags new >girlfriend is Henrietta McRoy." Crow: WE KNOW!!! You've beat the horse to death! Move on... > >Her eyes widened "Did you say GIRL friend." Wolvie nodded. "Oh lord I wish I could >see his face when he finds out." Tom: This entire fanfic can be summed up in one word: Schadenfreude (Eddie and Crow look at him.) Tom: (Reads from dictionary) Schadenfreude: Noun. A German term for the malicious enjoyment of anothers' misfortune. > >"Don't we all." Scott chimed in. > >Meanwhile inside the cafe Bishop was sitting with his back against the wall trying to >figure out someway to get out of the cafe without his enemies killing him. Eddie: He discovered the answer: Kill everyone in the room. > >I know they're all looking at me....that barkeep over there was trying to "accidentally" >kill me Tom: There's a lot of that "accidental" kind of stuff going on in this fanfic. > so he could take my place as the best looking X-men. Crow: Best looking? Nah, Scott has the better tan while Logan has the cuttest little... (notices that Tom and Eddie are looking at him funny) Er... I mean... What about those Dodgers? > The moment I turn my >back on them they're all going to attack me. I'll just have to slide against this wall to the >door. > >He cocked his gun's quietly and undid the clasps holding down his two hunting knives, >switchblade, blowtorch, four handguns, mace spray, ink pen, Eddie: Ink pen? Man, he takes "The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword" very seriously. > numchucks, ninja stars, >sword, hammer, pictures of the professor naked Tom: It's a little known fact that Charles Xavier did a little male modeling on the side in his early years. > (it had been difficult to take them >without looking at them, but worth it for a nearly unbeatable weapon), portable laser, Eddie: Eat exuding oinks upon and bleed decrepit broken bones at caustic spells of Hell? Crow/ Tom: WHAT?? Eddie: Nothing... it's an obscure song by a very obscure band that no one will ever under- stand.... Crow: (to Tom) Have you given the money to Gypsy yet? >sling shot, 3 daggers, a lightsabre, 4 yo-yo's (for when he was attacked by evil small >children), Crow: The Olsen Twins? > tomahawk, 10-foot long whip, Eddie: But that was more for his personal life. > boulders, 3 of Henrietta's high-heeled shoes, 3 >broken glass liquor bottles, Tom: Copies of this fanfic.... > 2 lead pipes, dog poop, and piano wire (good for piano's Crow: Bishop thinks PIANOS are his enemies? > and >strangling people). And checked on his 14 grenades, 5 belts of ammunition, dynamite, Eddie: (as Jimmy Walker) Dyn-O-Myte!!! >poison packets, Bo staff, Tom: Bos? Shiruken? Numchucks? If he gets a Kitana Sword he'll be a one-man Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. > mutant powers, Book of Shakespeare's longest plays Crow: Including the long lost sequel to "Hamlet!" , sawed >off shotgun, bow and arrows, fire-proof shield, nailgun, rocks, pike, harpoon (you never >knew when you could get attacked by a killer whale), Tom: I can see it now, he'll be part of the Captain Ahab trinity: Gregory Peck, Captain Picard. Bishop. > ball'n'chain, Eddie: (a la Janis Joplin) Your love... was Like an ol' BAAAAWLLLL and Cha-ya-yain!! > BB gun, Marrow's >bottled breathe (also difficult to get without suffering the affects himself), Tom: Is this a James Joyce novel? > plastic >explosive, portable A-bomb, and a small alligator that attacked on command. Crow: Unfortunately that command is "Check Please," so he can't leave a restaurant without killing a few innocent waiters. >He also checked on his water (two gallons worth of safe water), enough dried jerky to >last a lifetime, spare clothes in his sleeping bag, motion detector, and his first-aid kit. Eddie: Which he banged people over the head with! > >Then he rose to his feet (this is what's kept him in such good shape, he doesn't work out, >he just lugs this junk around with him.) with a loud rattle which drew everyone's >attention to him. > >Oh god, they know I'm sneaking out. They're gonna try to kill me off before I get out the >door. If I just slide along this wall maybe they won't see me. Tom: (nature director) Notice how the North American Paranoid-Mutant-Traveler-From -The Future attempts to evade his enemies by camouflaging himself with the wall. > >He began sliding along the plank wall towards the door slide, rattle, rattle, slide, rattle >rattle boom (knocked a table over). Slide, rattle, rattle, slide oww!. Crow: (singing) Slide Rattle and Slide... yeah, Slide, Rattle, and Slide! > >His enemies had put poisoned splinters in the wall just to kill him, they had known the >whole time that this was how he'd get out. > >He should have just stayed seated, just like he had all month and this wouldn't have >happened. Bishop was getting mad, Eddie: Bishop mad! Bishop Smash!!! > Oh no it must be the poison taking effect, his heart >was speeding up (actually it was because he was panicking, but he didn't realize that), >they had killed him, Tom: Who? The Freemasons? The Nazi Scientists? The communists? The CIA? Aliens? > all because of Henrietta, they had killed him. Well they were going >with him, just as soon as he made it to the door. slide, rattle, rattle, slide. > >He was out, free away from his enemies. He slid along the wall towards the semi-enemy >people he had to get to to find the answer to his life threatening question...Was Eric >going out with Henrietta McRoy, and did he know Henrietta wasn't Henrietta McRoy, >she was really Henry McCoy? Crow: And why did he choose bright pink as his/ her hair color? Didn't s/he know that a subdued mauve would have been a wiser choice? And who did her nails? > >Wolvie, Jubes, and Scott looked up as Bishop poked his head out the door. He stuck his >motion detector and camera out to record who was out there. It was cautiously pulled >back in and in seconds Bishop moved out fast, his guns pulled shooting at a cat crossing >the street that undoubtedly had poison claws intent on killing him. Eddie: The tragic last days of Heatcliffe. > >He was sure he had found a cure to the poison splinters after taking all of the various >drugs he had, Tom: His family physician is Dr. Hunter S. Thompson. > it had been an amazing feat, taking a gallon of his safe water to down, but >he had done it, effectively disappointing his stupid enemies. Crow: Now that he's taken all those drugs he's going to be EVEN MORE paranoid! > >They thought they could kill HIM with just poison splinters..haha. They had done better >before when they had left signs everywhere for him to find in a futile attempt to drive >him crazy...like the bird that had screeched three times, or the cat that had crossed his >path (he wasn't stupid he knew they had painted that black cat white just to trick him. >Well he'd shown them when he'd blown that cat to kingdom come! Eddie: What is Bishop's major problem with cats? > ), or when they'd >blocked the sun that once (Everyone had said it was just an eclipse, but he knew it was a >Shi'ar ship waiting to dissect him). Tom: I believe Mr. Burns did that. > >His back once again against the safe wall he slid over to the semi-enemies. (Exit theater) (SoL. Eddie has a large button in his hand and is talking to Mike, whom he's trapped in the panel below the host area.) Eddie: You were always the successful one! You always had to get the best temp jobs, didn't you? When I worked at "Andy's Animal Auditorium" cleaning up animal waste you were living the good life as a copy boy for a newspaper! Well, ha, I'll show you! I'll show everyone! Mike: (Muffled) What evil plans has your sick, twisted brain concocted? Eddie: Ha! I'm going to blow up the oil fields! Mike: (Laughing) What? What in the world are you talking about? What oil fields? Eddie: Stop acting dumb, Michael! Mike: Hey, I am not acting! Hey, wait a minute.... Eddie: Ha, I could always get you with that one, little brother. (spots Pearl's calling button) What the heck is this? (Eddie presses it.) (Back to the office building. Pearl is sitting alone, still listening to her tape. Bobo and Observer enter carrying a box. Ortega sits at the table, patiently waiting.) Pearl: What do you want? I just gave you raises seven years ago! Observer: We want you to resign. Immediately! Pearl: Fat chance. What's in the box? Did those Rutger Hauer movies arrive yet? (Bobo opens the box to reveal a cat. Tape covers its cat mouth.) Pearl: Lucifer Sam! (to cat) What have they done to you? Bobo: Nothing yet, but that could change if you don't give us fully presidency of this company, immediately! Pearl: (thinks for a minute) Ah, what the heck, kill the cat? Observer: (Miffed.) Alright, on to Plan B. (Observer disintegrates Pearl with his mind.) Whoever makes it to the chair first is boss!!! (Observer and Bobo make a dash to reach Pearl's chair. Observer wins.) Observer: I made it first! My first act as company president: Fire Bobo. Bobo: What? I thought we were partners. Observer: You are a simple minded simian simpleton. Ortega, take him away. (Ortega pulls Bobo out of the room. Observer leans back in his chair, pleased.) (back in theater) > >Jubes rolled her eyes, "What brings you out here Paranoid?" Eddie: (singing) Did in with my women 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind! > >Bishop's eyes narrowed She was using code words, must be trying to warn him. "I must >ask you an life threatening question...Is Mags really dating Henrietta?" Wolvie nodded, >"Does he know she is Henry?" Tom: Wait a minute! Cheesy sketches and jokes? Gender bending? Post-ops? Characters dying? Pink unicorns? This isn't a fanfic, it's a failed "Talk Soup" sketch. > Wolvie shook his head no, he'd learned early on it was >easier to just not say anything to the loon. Bishop nodded, "Someone must warn him." > >Scott took the bait, "Why?" Crow: (Bishop) Don't you see... Magneto is a government spy, and a freemason to boot, and if he gets any information out of Henrietta about the secrets of gender reversal... who knows what could follow? World leaders everywhere would instantly change genders, no one would know who the rulers of their leaders actually were leaving Ralph Nader and his band of communists to infiltrate all of the major governments and create their "New World Order" and cars would cost a lot more because of all of the new air bags and safety requirements their new laws would cause... and do you really want to pay MORE for a new automobile. ... Whew! Tom: Need some water, Crow? Eddie: That was pretty good. You should be writing this fanfic. Crow: Thanks. (Pauses and thinks.) Hey!!!! You take that back! > >Bishop straightened (as much as he could carrying all that stuff.) and said in his best "I >am a authority figure listen to me." voice " Because it is another plot to kill me, if Mags >is not told he will come running out of the room he has just rented upstairs, and distract >me while my enemies kill me." > >Jubilee's mouth dropped, "You mean they are um, you know, right now?" He nodded. Tom: Oh no, they are "um, you know" -ing right now! > >Wolverine grinned evilly, "Let's go peek in the window." Eddie: Wolverine was a six-year old kid earlier, and, apparently, he's grown into a dirty old man. > They all ran to the window >looking into the barroom facing the stairs leading to the rooms that were rented out. Crow: So, apparently the X-Men team consists entirely of degenerates. > >Jean and Jon walked out then and looked at the three of them crowded around the >window and shook their heads, they were going home. Eddie: Hey, are they going to "um, you know," also? > >Bishop was made his painfully slow clanking way to the window a good five minutes >after the others. They all stared in, waiting, Scott was counting down from ten under his >breath. Then they heard it, it started as a low rumble, but it rose quickly to a painful >scream of horror. Then Mags came running down the stairs, absolutely buck naked, >carrying his clothes and ran out the door. Tom: (singing) Yes, they call him the streak!!! > >Moments later they heard his car spinning rubber, screeching out of the parking lot. >Henrietta/Henry came running down the stairs her dress rolled up high on his/her thighs, >crying, Crow: (singing) I know all there is about the crying game.... > mascara running down her pink fur. Everyone was staring at her as she ran out >the door in silence, they heard her motorcycle start and screech out after Mags. Eddie: So far, no enemies attempting to kill Bishop. > >Scott, Jubes, and Wolvie were rolling on the sidewalk laughing so hard tears were >pouring down their face. Tom: (Scott) Isn't it funny? Magneto is scarred for life and Henrietta is heartbroken! > >Everyone in the bar turned to stare at the window, looking directly at Bishop. Bishop >looked down at his semi-enemies and noticed.....he was standing on...a...a...crack!!! Oh >No!!! The enemies have made me break my mommy's back... ALL: When a problem comes along... you must whip it! > I'll get them though, they'll >die for this. Minutes later the bar was a smoking crater, no one had made it out alive, >and Bishop was out of ammo. Then in the unnatural silence he heard an ominous >buzzing. Crow: Oh, great, it's another damn "Killer Bees" movie. > He felt something bite him on the back of the neck, he slapped it and looked at >his hand....it was a mosquito...a robot mosquito... Tom: Hey, in this fanfic that is entirely believable. > it had just injected him with the deadly >legacy virus, and he'd already used up all of his medicines. Eddie: He used them up while partying with Robert Downey Jr. > >He began to cry they had gotten him in the end...he slumped over dead...he'd suffered a >heartattack caused by stress. Eddie: I'm going to guess that this takes place of the normal X-Men continuity. > >The three on the ground had stopped laughing while Bishop blasted the bar into next >year, but as they realized he'd caused his own death they started laughing again and >slowly made their way over to Villain's supporting each other. Tom: And the X-Men laugh at the death of one of their close comrades. > >Villain's was a dark, rough place. All the furniture was cheap, mismatched, and got >broken in the nightly fights often. Sawdust covered the floor and tinny western music >clashed with the 90's tunes blasting on the soundsystem. The place was run by the >villain's for other villain's, but they also allowed just about anyone. Eddie: Except Shiners for some odd reason. > They broke all the >laws, in fact their advertisements state "Come to Villain's where nothing is illegal". Crow: Except, surprisingly, jaywalking. > >Jubes and Wolvie wandered over to the bar to get their drinks in a glass this time >pausing to pat an overjoyed, crying Apocalypse on the shoulder. Eddie: Hey, wasn't Arcane really Apocalypse? This story has way too many plotholes... > Poccy had never liked >that place after they had thrown him out, so he'd always prayed it would get blown up. >Who knew his prayers would be answered? Tom: He's going to swim in Jell-O with Jenna Elfman? Oh wait, those are my prayers. > >Scott strode purposefully to the back to find the owner, the vilest villain ever >drawn...Ororo Munroe, Crow: I have a certain fondness for characters whose first names are palindromes. > just Storm to her partners in crime. He found her in the middle >of a poker game with Remy LeBeau and someone he didn't recognize. Remy nodded to >him, Scott noticed he had traded the X-costume for his usual M.I.B style suit and tie, Eddie: (Remy) Ju' nes de difarence b'tween ju n' me, mon a'imer, ise looks good in this, chierre. >meaning he had been here awhile. > >The unknown woman had her back to him, straddling a chair. Storm was wearing jeans >and a tank top. He nodded to her in greeting "Scott, Glad your back. You know Gambit, >and this here is Shera Crawler 007...you want to join us?" Crow: (sarcastically) Self-insertion, yeah THAT'S how you improve a story. > >Scott shook his head no as Shera turned to greet him. He stared at the woman in front of >him in shock...what an outfit...geez! It was made of a few, and I mean few, inch wide >leather straps, you could barely call it descent, she made it look better than it probably >was. She had long midnight-black hair, and Jade green cat eyes, and a perfect X-woman >body. Eddie: Yeah, right. When I describe myself on the internet I am Leonardo DiCaprio with larger muscles. > She slowly looked him up and down, lingering on all the key parts. Crow: Hothca! (to Tom) Servo, did you catch Shera's e-mail address? Tom: Hey, you're a married 'Bot now! > >"Hi Scott." Her voice was low, sultry, and suggestive. He felt himself turning bright red. Tom: Is he embarrassed or is he going to zap Shera to kingdom come? > >"Y-Y-your name was w-w-what?" > >She gave him a sexy smile, "It's Shera Crawler 007, but you can call me Crawler." Crow: (Shera Crawler) Could you give me a martini, sha- Eddie: (grabs him by the head) Don't you dare! > >He looked at her a minute, a thought was pushing through the fog in his brain, Tom: Well, there's a first time for everything. > "You >wrote that story didn't you?!" She nodded and then found herself thrown up against a >wall his hands around her throat. "Do you know the pain you caused me? You took >away my only love in that story, for that I ought to kill you." her eyes showed the pain >she was in, but not a trace of fear. Crow: (Shera) Ha, you can't harm me, I'm WRITING your actions! Ha ha! > >He loosened his grip to hear her excuse, "I didn't make them fall in love, that happened >during the intermission. I have no control over that. Eddie: But didn't she write the intermission, too? This fourth wall stuff is really starting to piss me off. > But if you asked nice I could break >them up in the sequel." Tom: Sequel? This fanfic needs a sequel like "Three Ninjas" did. Eddie: That's has two sequels already, and a new one coming up. > She was running one nail down his chest slowly, sensuously. >Forcing him to release his hold on her as she started getting to low for comfort. Crow: 2su...@msn.com. Right? > She >smiled at him evilly, and he realized she fit in quite well with Storm's bunch. > >"Ah, old boy, why don't you just let the lass go and all will be forgotten?" Scott turned >to see Remy with a switchblade out ready to slit his throat. ALL: (Begin to boo and hiss) Crow: Come on, just let him get a few "accidental" punches in! > >He grinned weakly, "I wasn't going to hurt her." Tom: (Cyclops) I was going to kill her.... > >Remy nodded "I realize that, but lad you don't realize what the lass has up her sleeves, >so to speak. She isn't one to believe in giving a bloke a sporting chance." > >Scott looked down at the perfectly manicured hand he was holding, noticing the nails >were edged in razor sharp metal. Tom: Hey, that's what happens when you have Trent Reznor as your manicurist. > His face went white with shock as he realized just how >close he had come to losing his, um, manhood. Eddie: If Samuel Beckett, the members of Monty Python's Flying Circus, and Jerry Springer were forced to write an X-Men fanfic in twenty minutes... it would be something like this. Crow: I would go with David Lynch, the writers for "Married With Children," and a thousand monkeys on a typewriter. > >He looked up at Crawler, she was giving him another of her mind-numbing, Tom: ... joke fanfics? > innocent >smiles. He released her and stepped back, and she walked to where Remy had sat down >once again in his chair, returning to the game, and sat in his lap giving him a lingering >kiss. Crow: No one will be seated during the exciting "Writer Fantasy Fulfillment Scene." > >Then she looked back at Scott expectantly. He shifted nervously, aware that Storm was >laughing her butt off at him, Eddie: When exactly did all of the X-Men start hating each other with a passion? > and Remy was happy as a lark, "Um, what would you do to >get us together?" he demanded. > >"Well I could reveal some of Sinny's true past, Tom: (Shera) For instance, there was that time period where he was Mrs. Sinister. Crow: No, there is way too much of that stuff going on in this fanfic already!!! > and I also know a certain character he >still loves more than Jean, and she likes him. They just had a fight, and never got a >chance to get back together." Eddie: If it's Henrietta McCoy... you are going to get hurt so bad, fanfic. > >"So what do you want in return?" he was suspicious, she'd never help him without a >good reason...he just hoped she didn't want him to... Crow: I feel so useless in this fanfic... all my off-color comments are already here. > >She laughed, "Not you, not ever. But I'm sure I'll come up with a favor tonight. And a >favor later. Eddie: ("The Godfather") I will do this favor for you, and when the time comes... > If I don't it's free." Tom: (Shera) Or for your best offer.... > >"Why two favors?" he was looking for the loophole. > >She smiled a little at his suspicion, "One tonight for breaking them up, and one >tomorrow to try to get her to go for you." Crow: (Shera) That last one is going to be the hardest. > >He nodded, " Nothing that will get me fired, and nothing to bad, please." She nodded >solemnly and shook his hand to seal the bargain, "Stormy, you were the witness, you >and Rem, if he don't live up to it I claim Villains pledge rights to kill him." Tom: Oh, I see Shera Crawler 007 has a "Licensee to Kill." Hee heee.... > >He glared at her, Storm nodded with a slightly bloodthirsty grin, " Ya can count on it >Shera, if ya to busy he be mine. Oh and Scottsy, ya betta stick round or ya'll be in deeper >than evah befo, understand ami?" Crow: Nope... not a word of it... Gambit. Tom: Writers really should not try to write Gambit's dialogue with the accent... we know he's Creole... we can imagine his accent... write understandable dialogue! > >He nodded wondering why he felt like he had just made a losing deal with the devil, Eddie: Hey, Bill Gates didn't appear once in this fanfic! (pauses) Yet. > and >hurried over to the bar suddenly feeling the urge to have a few drinks...strong drinks. Crow: Don't we all. If I wasn't a robot and couldn't get drunk I would be sucking the tequila off of the worm, right now!!! > >Bishop awoke with a jerk, no I mean it he really did wake up with a jerk. Eddie: Steve Martin? > >Sinister, the jerk in question, was leaning so close to him, he could smell his fish breath. >He tried to move to slap Jon away, but found he was strapped to a metal table >underneath a blinding dentists' light. Tom: (Sinister) You WILL bite down on the fluoride, and you WILL like it. > >From what he could see of the room, he was in a demented dentist's office with Jon, and >Jean was no where to be seen. " Crow: Wait a minute, wasn't Bishop dead? (pauses) Ah, forget it... > >Um, Jon. Don't you think you should, um let me go?" Eddie: (Sinister) Well, I don't see why not.... > >Sinister started laughing so hard he couldn't breath, then he started choking and ran to >grab an asthma inhaler...after a few puffs he responded, "I am NOT Sinister, I am >Winister...his evil mutant twin. Eddie: Evil brother? There's a dumb idea if I ever heard one. > I'm better, I'm really evil, and I DON'T have to wear >makeup. Tom: (Winister) I have no need for it: My skin is already pasty white! > BWahahaha, and you will be the first to learn what my sissy brother could do >for evil if he put his mind to it... through me...THE REAL WATANIEL ESSEX >BWAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" Bishop rolled his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, maybe the >idiot would leave soon. Tom: Will Shera Crawler lay off the caffiene? Will Cyclops and Jean reunite? Will Henrietta cry over ice cream while watching "Ally McBeal?" Turn in next week to find out. Same Sinister Time. Same Sinister Channel. (exit theater) (SoL) Tom: Man, I feel sorry for those X-Men characters. They're trapped in a fanfic written by some lunatic internet writer who completely ignores all previous continuity and characterization all in the name for something the writer mistakenly thinks is funny. (Tom looks over at Crow. Crow is dressed in a blonde wig and a long, pink dress. He looks over at Eddie who is muttering insane ramblings while getting his explosive device ready. He looks at Gypsy who is staring lovingly in Tom's eyes.... er head.) Tom: (in sudden realization) NNOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Please tell me it isn't true!!! What did we ever do to deserve this fate? (begins sobbing) (Crow walks up to Tom) Crow: Ha! You thought I was kidding, didn't you? Well, if I were a lying about being a transvestite, than what am I doing wearing this dress? Tom: Making a vain attempt to prove me wrong? Crow: (sobbing) That's so true... ever since my amnesia I've been in a desperate identity crisis... Tom: (to Eddie) Mike, when exactly did Crow have amnesia? Eddie: Ha!!! I have fooled you all! I am not mild-mannered Mike Nelson! In fact, I am EDDIE NELSON his evil, older brother. (Tom and Crow don't seem to care.) Don't you care? Crow: Feh... one Nelson is the same as any other.... Eddie: Well, I'll prove you all wrong, I'm going to blow up the oil fields! (Gypsy hits him with her head causing him to collapse.) Tom: Hey, way to go Gyps! Gypsy: Crow, I have something to tell you... Thomas and I have been having an affair! Crow: Affair? Tom: Thomas? Since when am I Thomas? (Crow, in a blind rage, violently attacks Servo.) Crow: GYPSY IS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE!!! HOW DARE YOU? Tom: There's no place like home... there's no place like home.... there's no place like home.... (Tom suddenly wakes up. He looks around, Crow is not wearing a dress, Mike has no mustache and Gypsy is totally indifferent to his presence.) Tom: What happened? Mike: You fell asleep. Tom: I had this weird nightmare! (to Mike) And you were in it! (to Crow) And you! (to Gypsy) And you! I am laying off the soap operas forever... (exits) (Mike, Crow, and Gypsy begin laughing...) Gypsy: Do you think he bought it? Mike: (holding up paste on mustache) Hook, line, and sinker. This was a good idea, Crow. Crow: Thanks, I got the idea from an episode of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." I have a question, though. Why didn't I disguise myself as my evil twin, Timmy? Mike: Well, you drew the short straw and had to be the transvestite. Beside, you already had the dress.... Gypsy: I've got a question: How did you make it seem like you were trapped underneath the floorboards? Mike: Ahh... I used ventriloquism. Crow: Mike, where did you learn ventriloquism, and why haven't we learned this about you before? Mike: The answer to those questions are simple... you see back in the summer of '83... (sees Pearl's calling button) Oh, it'll have to wait, Pearl's calling. (to Pearl) Thank you for participating in our little practical joke on Servo. (The office building. Observer, Bobo, Pearl, and Ortega are sitting around the table.) Observer: No biggie.... it was a rather simple use of my omnipotent abilities to create this silly little office building and some of the actors. Pearl: (Deadpan) Oh yeah, that was big fun. You don't have to thank me, I'll make up for it... the next installment of "Sinister Unmasked" isn't too far away. Bobo: I thought it was mighty funny. To think Lawgiver could be in love with a stupid, little cat. Back in my planet we used to eat cats for breakfast. Pearl: That's nice, Bobo. (to all) Everyone get out, Pearl needs some time alone. Bobo: I don't think you get the point. We REALLY DID eat cats for breakfast! Pearl: That's nice. (Everyone leaves. Pearl reaches into the box and pulls out Lucifer Sam.) Pearl: (baby talk) Oh... Sammy... don't let them bother you... (notices camera) Hey! Is that thing still on? (Covers it with hand. End) All "Mystery Science Theater 3000" characters and situations are completely and utterly owned by the hardworking fellows at Best Brains Inc. This fanfic itself is probably copy- written by Shera Crawler 007. X-Men are copyrighted Marvel Entertainment. This is not meant as a personal attack on the author, or any other entity for that matter. Any resemblance between characters and actual people would be really sad. Stay tuned for a MiSTing of selections from Ben Waton's infamous Frank Zappa book: "The Negative Diadetics of Poodle Play..." > >Bishop awoke with a jerk, no I mean it he really did wake up with a jerk.